I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
