someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
