dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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