Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
