If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
