So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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