Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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