Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
