R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize