I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
