You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
