The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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