my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
