Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
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