Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's never too late to be topless.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
