I wish my penis had an off switch
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
