I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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