Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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