Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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