I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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