I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
