I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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