do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
