Just cropdusted the office
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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