also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
