My friends, they love my intelligence
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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