Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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