im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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