Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize