apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
