I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
