I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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