I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
