I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
