Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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