I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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