allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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