it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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