a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
