How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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