from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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