I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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