I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
