just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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