Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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