My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
