she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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