It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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