he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
