I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
