somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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