and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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