if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
