so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
