someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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