i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just want to make out with him forever
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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