I just pynch a tree in the face
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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