watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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