I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
