hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
