You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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