fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
